I feel like I should write something? I've felt like I should've been writing something since I moved. Wouldn't it have been nice to read back on what life was like then? I actually think it'd be really painful and sad and I wouldn't be able to read it for a couple more years. But here I am now, wanting to write. Wanting to remind myself of everything that has helped me get through the one of the top three most painful things I've ever experienced.
I wish that my self-esteem and self-worth didn't depend on someone else's opinion of me. Because it doesn't. And it shouldn't. And it didn't use to. It's something that I will have to work really hard on to re-gain. Re-gain any sense of control that I have over my life, or any sense of release and peace and welcoming of what is to come. I've completely lost myself. I've been lost since I moved to Portland and I was desperately looking for *me* in all of the wrong places. I don't even know what is the "right" place to look? How did it happen before?
I can't stop thinking about money and finding a job and my future in school and my future in general and finding a new place to live and making new friends. It's so overwhelming so I'm just putting it all out here so I can let it go from rattling around in my brain.
I hate thinking "it's time for some changes" or "here's to new discovery" because that SCARES me. I don't want "change," I don't want something new... I want things to feel comfortable and safe and cozy. Growth happens right outside of your comfort zone, but maybe I don't think I want to grow then. Because it feels really BAD. Maybe I want to run away from changes and hide from them. Maybe I feel like I can't just let go and accept what is next. How can I? It just feels so bad.
