Written on November 16th, 2017.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer as a friend because I have depression. Sometimes I feel like people are going to "find me out" or suddenly realize that I'm too much to handle and feel as though our friendship is no longer worth it. And since my parents raised me with all of the love and acceptance in the world, and because I've had perplexing luck to also have incredibly loyal, understanding, loving, and kind friends, teachers and extended family members, it wasn't until I was in this noxious long-term relationship that I had ever truly felt like my depression and anxiety overbore my prevailing (and honestly, plentiful) "fun" qualities. And because this relationship happened during a pretty vulnerable and naive time in my life, I didn't even ONCE question his inadequacy as a loving and healthy partner because of the way he constantly made me feel. I believed every dangerous thing that he said to me because why wouldn't I? He was so unyielding in his desire to be a good teammate and I LOVED him and respected him deeply and entirely. Why wouldn't what he said about me not be true? Maybe am I pretty dumb for taking medication (that isn't at all for everyone, but that quite literally saves my life every day) and maybe it's *not* okay for me to sometimes feel blue for no reason because it'll bring his mood down too and it "just isn't healthy for him."
I had to contort myself and constantly hide my emotions (both good and bad) because I was made to feel like my "true self" both wasn't enough and was incredibly too much, all at the same time. So I just figured that that was just the sacrifice of being in a long-term partnership, and it wasn't until I spent a particular week during the summer in 2016 with my family and good friends, that I slowly came back to. I was making (or was about to make) very, very big, important decisions that would affect my life drastically, all without thinking about myself or what I wanted at all. (To the tune of quitting school and relocating my life to another state in a city I had zero desire to live in). But I got used to playing the role of making sure that he was happy, and as disgustingly uncomfortable as it was, it was very comfortable, and so the thought of saying no to moving with him and not having him in my life anymore was quite literally the scariest and most sad thing I felt could ever happen, EVER. Initiating a separation was easy because I was feeling empowered after spending time with people who love me so much, but living through the next month (and lets be honest: subsequent 6 months) of the breakup was the most excruciatingly painful thing I have ever experienced. (I feel incredibly sick to my stomach right now thinking about it and reliving it all, STILL).
But I am just finally now feeling like my old, *true* self again. I have not felt as happy and peaceful as I do now in a long time. I have so much more work to do as far as building myself back up again, but it's easier than i thought it'd be because it was still with me all along.
