I feel very fragile. I am going to demand that it is only momentary, because I was getting so good and close to re-building myself back up again. I really feel like I could just start decomposing any minute from all the pressure that this anxiety and sadness is weighing on me though. I applauded myself for feeling that "even when things are bad, they're good" feeling, but I can't find it. I lost it. Where is it. I feel so scared about things.. and discouraged, hopeless, like right before I have to go in to get my blood taken and I just cry and beg my dad to allow me to not have to go through with it. Pleading and begging. Plllllleeeeaaasssseeeee.
After my mom talked to me tonight about her feelings about her marriage, like she was purging some sort of poison in her, I started going through this existential shock.... Wanting to be strong and diplomatic for her, when really it just left me feeling like such a little girl. Feeling like a little girl because of how sad and devastated I was to be hearing this all, again. I am an adult and they are adults and whatever decision they come to, I am sure it will be the right one... I have full trust in my parents as people to make that decision for themselves. But for my whole life the one truth I know and hold on to for dear life is the anchor that my family is in my life. I want nothing less than for every person in my family to feel happy and at peace, but I cannot bear the thought of it breaking apart, ever. I literally CANNOT BEAR IT. It honestly seems like a selfish thing to do, though that proclamation alone is a selfish one. I suppose the situation is not so black and white; there are many things and people and feelings that go into it. If that happened though I would feel a great, great, great, great, great loss. Like I lost someone who was very dear to me, because my family, as a unit, is so dear to me. My parents and my brother are the most precious and loveliest things I have ever known.
I can see how un-happy my mom is though. Not only with her marriage, but just with her life and it scares me. I don't like to see my parents vulnerable or weak because they are always the ones who build me back up when I am feeling broken. I feel like broken cannot fix broken, and it's the worst to feel like a burden. I wish sometimes that my mom would keep these things to herself, or rather, just not share them with me. I do not feel like I can be a mirror to her feelings, I instead just feel like a sponge, soaking it all back up. I know with all my heart that that is not her intention, and that she would feel horribly if she knew that that is how it was affecting me, but I just don't think it's something I need to hear, as it brings me so much distress.
I do not want to run back to unhealthy things because they bring me a false sense of safety, I just want to continue to move forward with my life and happiness. I need that anchor again. I'm going to wake up tomorrow a-new and start a fresh and safer-feeling day. I hate this transition into adulthood more than I thought. I could've never imagined that I would hate it this much.
